Where is the best place to break up with a girlfriend and why? My vote goes to McDonalds: No sharp knives or forks, no heavy plates, and you can always hide behind some fat kid for protection.
You see… I love fast food. My girlfriend has a love/hate relationship with it: she’s studying to be a dietician, but loves it. Anyway, here’s the thing… Most of us, if not all, love fast food. Or, as the media so hurtfully calls it: junk food. Now, while I love it, allow me to point out just one thing:
It’s not fucking fast food!
I remember sitting at McDonalds once, and ordering a Big Mac, and waited for my fast food to arrive. I waited so long that I grew stubble. I swear! My (ex-)girlfriend at the time came to visit me and had a discussion with me detailing the whole day’s events. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t listen to her. All I could think about was my gosh-darn food! That was supposed to be fast!
Finally, after the Second Coming of Jesus H. Christ, and the Nuclear Holocaust, I finally got my Big Mac. Only, there was one problem, they then told me to leave because it was closing time.
True story! No kidding!
Needless to say, I took it as a take away and went home. Upset, and in the mood for revenge, I tossed the Big Mac in the waste bin and made myself a small salad.
After taking one bite, I glanced over at the waste bin and said, “Take that, bitch!”
I would’ve eaten it if they called it “slow food”, but, alas, they just had to piss me off by making me think it was fast. Now… Salad… That is fast!
Slice ‘n dice baby!
“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up, it knows it must outrun the fastest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or a gazelle. When the sun comes up, you better be running.”
There are only two absolutes in this world: live or die.
Anything else you might happen to hear is a fallacy, and I will say it again. Anything else you might happen to hear is a fallacy.
Every day, in the wilderness, both a lion and a gazelle wake up with this ultimatum. A lion can reach speeds of up to 50 Mph. A gazelle, 50 Mph. In fact, most animals have evolved to be able to reach this speed. It’s the standard speed a creature’s body can carry them at. Human beings, on the other hand, evolved in a different way. We do not rely on physical speed or strength to survive. Human beings are the most intelligent creatures on Earth, and perhaps in the entire universe. We are the pinnacle of nature’s perfect plan, beings so total in our intellectual perfection that we have – in effect – eliminated all competition. Lions pose no threat to us anymore, we have subdued them and turned them into our property; gazelle are easy bait for us, even more so than for a lion.
Nothing poses a threat to us anymore. Only ourselves, our own species.
Our wilderness is the corporate world, the everyday mundane reality of our existence. Day in and day out, we are competing against other humans for domination of a certain field. Co-workers vying for the position that just opened, young adults fresh out-of-school and looking for jobs, major corporations seeking to make a quick buck in an over-saturated market.
If we stall, even for a moment, we lose out. The world is so full of willing workers, so full of businesses, so full of hard-working people trying to earn their daily bread, that anybody who is slow to act will effectively be put out of use faster than they can say, “Shit!”
To make it these days, you have to be ruthless and cunning, and be prepared to do everything in your power to ensure that you stay in power. A lion and a gazelle, and two human beings, both have one thing in common when it comes to survival: prowess.
It’s up to us to get a jump on our competitors. Whether that be by gaining more knowledge about the object of our pursuit, working more than anybody else to get more done, paying a closer eye to detail, is up to each and every individual to decide for themselves.
A few of the common questions I have heard, I am going to answer here today for you all. I hope these are questions you have asked yourself. If not, that’s even better!
Q. I don’t have money to go study, so will I lose out?
A. Yes, and no. If you don’t have the money, why don’t you get a job and take some time off studying and work for the money you need? If you just wish to give up here, then the world doesn’t need you. We have enough cowards in our work forces.
Q. My co-worker is much more suave and charming and charismatic than I am, and I think he’s going to get the new job opening. What do I do?
A. You go stand in front of the mirror and you practice how to be charming and charismatic. You lie to yourself, and try to get so good at it that you can actually fool yourself. And then get someone to practice with, and tell them to tell you if they spot that you are lying or not. If you can lie convincingly, you can persuade effortlessly with the truth.
Q. I have been stuck on the bottom rung of the ladder at work for quite some time now. How do I move up and make something out of myself?
A. You grow a pair of balls/tits! Do something with yourself! Life won’t hand you success on a silver platter. You’ve got to mine the silver, craft it and polish it yourself. Eventually you’ll realize that handing yourself success is much more rewarding.
The only way to get anywhere in this modern world is to put an egg in your shoe and beat it.
And then take it out and bash it over someone’s head and make on omelet!